Insanity

Night after night I feel stressed. Night after night I feel demoralized. Night after night I feel more hatred. Night after night I feel more pathetic. Night after night I wonder, why, why does this have to happen to me. The thoughts in my mind, the torture of the same thoughts coming back to haunt me. The images that my mind automatically makes up makes everything worse. I know I deserve eternal suffering for my past sins, but this is just too much. I rather bare physical pain than this. This is not a thought of pain but painful thought. It is not thoughts of suffering, but the thoughts in my mind are making me suffer. My only remedy can only be two things. Both will only be temporary, but one will inflict more pain to others deep in their hearts. When I see her, feel her, smell her, when I sense her by my side I feel at east. Still tortured by the thoughts, but better than when I'm not by her side. When I think about what I want to do, it makes me feel a little better too, but more anger builds up and I am afraid of devil inside me taking over once again. It is too much pain, too much anger, too much emotion for anyone to bare. I feel like I'm going insane. I wonder to myself at times, "Why am I even taking great lengths for this and at the same time letting myself suffer? Wouldn't letting everything go make it all better?" It's an interesting thing to ask myself, yet a simple answer would be love I think. I hope. But then shouldn't love make things better? Shouldn't love open up your mind to your surroundings and let you loose to feel the joys of life? Why is this happening to me. I'm going crazy. Night after night, I lose more sleep, I barely sleep now, and to think that I used to love sleep. For some reason I don't feel like ever wanting to sleep anymore even though my body aches and begs me for rest. If possible an eternal slumber to make the pain go away. But that is not what I want, but what my body requests. I cannot express my emotions fully, as I have said before my words will never make you understand unless you've been through what I have.

To whomever reads this blog, please don't be such an ass and leave F!@#ed up tags. I write this here so that I can express myself and let my friends know a little of what's going on with me as I can barely express myself in person. So if you have nothing better to say, then please piss off!